Confusing times.

In yesterday’s blog I briefly mentioned panic attacks. I realised that I’ve never spoken about this before on my blog but since I wrote that I thought I might aswell address the ‘issue’ a bit. So here goes.

So through majority of my life I had never experience panic attacks. I’d of course heard about them but never really knew the extent of them, or what made them happen or anything like that. That was until September last year. So let’s rewind a bit. September 2015; I was 22, I’d been working at the same cafe for around a year when I was told about a job going at a Starbucks pretty close to where I lived. This sounded pretty good to me. I’d worked at a Starbucks before while I was at university and really liked it. Since I’d worked with coffee since I was 16, I liked the idea of getting to know more about the different blends, the origins and even the different drinks as they seemed a bit more ‘exotic’ in comparison to the standard americano and latte. It just seemed more specialised, and of course my job title looked a bit more impressive too going from shop assistant to barista. So to go back into that and having something I was more specialised in, with the opportunity to move up in the business sounded amazing and perfect for the direction I wanted to go in.

So I went to the interview, got offered the job, and as soon as I knew it I’d had a trial shift and had left my old job before fully starting this new one. Which was great in theory, having about a week off for myself before getting into the new job. That was until I started getting ready for my first day. I’d got as far as putting on my uniform and then before I knew it I was sat on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out, unable to move. I honestly had no idea what was going on. Why my body was really doing this, or how to make it stop. After texting my sister out of fear, she came to the bathroom to talk to me and try to calm me down. I felt like a complete idiot…but I had no idea why really.

After talking to a friend of mine and ‘googling’ (a bad idea normally I know) I realised that what had happened was that I’d had a panic attack. But I still couldn’t understand what had triggered it off or anything. Anyway I called in work, told them I was ill and they told me when to be in next. To me that was that, I’d go in on the next shift and everything would be fine. I was wrong. It happened again and again. Every single time I tried to go to my job. To the point where my new manager stopped getting in touch with me. I was so angry with myself. I couldn’t believe I’d thrown a job away because of this stupid thing my body was doing.

After that I decided to go to the doctors. To see if there was anyway I could prevent this from happening again, for when I got my next job. The doctor basically said that these panic attacks could be brought on by anything for example a new job or stress. After that I started thinking about the job and wondering why that would have triggered it and why now? I’d changed jobs in the past and never seemed to have any problems. The only thing I could really remember is that even though it was a big team at Starbucks (like the cafe) barely anyone made me feel welcome by trying to make conversation or anything. Looking back now it seems subconsciously I’d built it up in my head as sort of a stress factor, as if no one was trying because they didn’t want me there. It sounds stupid…but that’s the only thing I could put it down to. I’d gone from an environment where everyone went out of their way to acknowledge you, to a place that in a way just felt cold.

Anyway I eventually went back to the cafe I previously worked, and I’m still there now, still enjoying the environment and the people in it…even If I can’t really progress in it, but plans change I guess. Thankful I didn’t have any panic attacks coming back into this job. But I still have them occasionally, for example when I met a guy for the first time…as you can imagine that went down a treat! Oh and I still don’t really know how to control them, I’m just learning to deal with them better I guess…

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5 Little Things…

There’s a lot of things that make me laugh…sometimes I even laugh over nothing. But it takes something special to make me laugh out loud.

The first thing I can think of is: Memories. Now I have to admit majority of these are embarrassing memories. Like the number of times I’ve physically walked into a wall time or the time I threw up purple puke at the Blue Lagoon…and on that note I shall move on…

The next thing is Animals. And for this one I just thank the lord for YouTube! I’ve mentioned this before, but I can sit for hours watching Animals videos. They just do the most stupid and funniest things. From the No no no cat to the talking dog video. I may even go as far to say this is a past time of mine that I pass down to my children.

Onto Number Three. Friends. Being a weird person, I tend to make friends with weird people. And that in itself can brighten up anyones day! From strange accents, to weird dances with a mop. Whenever I have a rough day I know they are there to get me close to peeing my pants with laughter.

Fourth on the List is Accidents. This one can be quite childish at times. It involves a lot of those moments where you know you shouldn’t laugh…but you do. The most common causes are: people slipping off the curb, hitting themselves in the face, or just walking into things. It’s ridiculous because if I did it I wouldn’t want people laughing…but It’s a natural response I guess.

The final thing that makes me laugh uncontrollably is Comedians. Now this mights be an obvious answer…but what is a comedian without the ability to make you laugh unexpectedly. My two favourite Comedians are Lee Evans and Michael McIntyre. I don’t know why but I seem to prefer male comedians…a lot of woman comedians just don’t seem to hit the spot. That might change the more I watch them though…so we will see.

It’s a strange thing laughter, sometimes you can’t control it, sometimes it’s polite and then other time’s it’s forced…You can never quite tell…

What I miss…

Like most university students I moved away from home. This was after I stayed at home and travelled for the first year, and then decided it wasn’t for me. But for the two years that I lived in Sheffield, I honestly loved it. I loved having my own space, with my own freedom to do whatever I wanted no matter what time it was. I mean don’t get me wrong, I did miss seeing my family everyday…but I had so much more independence. I can even say I enjoyed being able to do my own washing…how weird is that?

I even fell in love with Sheffield itself. It had so much to offer than my hometown. Better jobs, better atmosphere, better theatres, everything. In a way because I’ve returned home now, I yearn for this freedom I had never experienced before going to university. I’d love to move out again no matter where I moved to…but it’s a bit hard when you’re attempting to save for other things like travelling, not to mention having to fix a broken car. In some ways I feel like my life’s on hold a bit…but sacrifices must be made I guess.

What are you excited about?

Right now in all honesty I’m not really excited for anything…I could say travelling next year but right now, money wise, I don’t even really know if I’m going to be able to afford it. The only thing I can really guess at, is that I’m excited for the future in some way. This could be more of a nervous excitement though, because I don’t really know where I’ll end up, or what I’ll be doing. People sometimes ask “Where do you think you’ll be in 5 years time?” And I never know what to say. I don’t really know where I’ll be. My life’s a bit up in the air…The future always changes. Nothing’s ever really set in stone. So right now I’m just excited to see what’s round the corner…hopefully something good.

“I guess you could say not everything’s ‘plane’ sailing… ;)”

Be You!

“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you!” – Dr Seuss

In times of difficulty when writing, I tend to go back to simpler means.This is one of the simplest quotes I’ve come across. However It’s also very important. It comes from a children’s book, and in my opinion this is the mind frame all children should have growing up.

Everyone is different. Different genders, races, religions, sexuality, backgrounds. Every little detail that builds up a person…makes a person who they are. So no matter what anyone thinks, you should never give up the right to be who you want to be. Which is easier said then done. Because in this life there are a lot of stigmas, and bad publicity which leads to bad opinions. For example with a lot of issues regarding terrorism in the news, certain narrow-minded people begin to think and even spread that if one person is like that from a certain religion…then it must be a religious thing. Which of course is incorrect and leads to these victims either denying their religion or being seen in a negative light. Which is ludicrous.

Another example is if someone has a metal health issue, the same narrow-minded people will think that everyone who suffers with that illness will all follow the same path. Whether its suicide, murder, theft or anything else.

Slight tangent there but the point I’m trying to make is that the world is full of ill-conceived pre-judgements, and it probably always will be. You just have to learn to ignore it and have faith that in time the world may be a better place if we work towards a better future. People need to stop denying religion, denying different sexualities, and stop believing that they are alone in the world, because they aren’t…you aren’t. And in all honesty the internet is the best place to realise that right now, all you have to do is search a problem and thousands of results will come up, proving you’re not alone with whatever problem your having.

Overall don’t listen to anyone else, you are in control of your own life…your own happiness and that is what’s important. If you need support and you go looking for it, you will find it even in the most unlikely places. Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you! Don’t give up you to please everyone else.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect.”- Mark Twain

WARNING! New Driver Alert!

I’ve been driving just over a month now, and I’m finally realising that what people said was actually true. You don’t really gain driving experience until after you pass your test. Sure you can know how to drive correctly. Pushing all the right buttons, at the right times. Checking your mirrors for overtaking, or just for people constantly on your ass. But once you’re in a car all by yourself, with no one talking in your ear…then and only then you realise what driving is really like.

I’m going to be honest with you the first month after passing my test was pretty scary. The first hiccup was the car. It’s an old car, with a difficult biting point. One which took the whole first month to actual master to some degree and understand what to do and when to do it. This led to my first embarrassing moment of being stuck on a tiny hill with no way of getting up it (at least no way for a new driver in an old car). I ended up having to reverse back down it after letting three cars go around me. Not the nicest way to ease myself into driving alone.

The second hiccup was lanes on new roads. I tried to push myself as fast as possible as I was already behind a lot of my friends in the ‘art’ of knowing how to drive. So I went onto roads I’d never driven on before in my lessons to get to the closest shopping centre that was near my home. Ahh which leads us onto embarrassing moment number two. Being stuck at the front of a queue trying to change lanes at the last-minute isn’t great. And with the number of annoyed drivers around you, staring at you in a despising way it doesn’t seem to make you feel better either. Luckily no one knew me.

The third hiccup was motorways. Now this has to be the worst thing so far. I mean overall it is just a straight route. The only thing that worries me is that the faster you go, obviously the worse off you be in an accident. Which is why I do my best to do everything right when I’m on a motorway. Abide by the speed limit, keep the right distance from other cars, and take care while changing lanes. But when a massive lorry decides to move over in front of me in the slow lane, after a late indication and leaving around about a 5 inch gap, it makes it a bit harder. And this is my issue. I can do my best to do everything right on a motorway, but I can’t control other people’s actions…and let’s face it…there’s some right idiots out there!

Ahh on the upside, I am loving being able to drive. The freedom, the opportunity, the control. I can go anywhere, whenever I want. So I guess this is the start of my life as a roadtripper…lets see where I end up…

Eczema VS Sun-beds

So I’ve suffered from eczema since I was born. As I got older it seemed to of got more and more controllable, to the point where it was just seasonal and only really became visible in winter due to the sudden change of climate. However this year it doesn’t seem to be going away, and nothing seems to be helping clear it up.

Winter has come and gone and by March my skin would usually of gone back to its normal self. But for some reason this year it just won’t budge. I feel like I’ve tried everything. Different moistursers, steroid creams, bath ointments, and many more treatments. So like with any question I can’t answer, I took to the internet. There was suggestion, after suggestion but the one that caught my eye was to try using a sun-bed.

Now I know the risks of using a sun-bed…but due to my eczema mainly being due to the climate, and me feeling like I’m out of options I thought I should give it a go. So far I’ve only had 4 sessions, each of 6 minutes. But I honestly think it is beginning to help. My skin feels better and definitely looks better with the red patches disappearing, giving me a bit more self-confidence (because let’s be honest having people stare at you, and wonder why you look like a human leopard isn’t exactly a confidence booster). I mean I’m in no way getting a ‘great’ tan from this as I still look quite pale, but as long as my eczema is getting better I don’t mind.

Just as a side note this isn’t a long-term treatment at all and as soon as I feel happy that majority of it has cleared up, I will stop using the sun-beds. Anyway I’ll keep you updated, feel free to give me any feedback or even any suggestions if you or anyone you know struggles with eczema and what they use to clear it up.

 “People will stare . Make it worth their while” – Harry Winston.