Confusing times.

In yesterday’s blog I briefly mentioned panic attacks. I realised that I’ve never spoken about this before on my blog but since I wrote that I thought I might aswell address the ‘issue’ a bit. So here goes.

So through majority of my life I had never experience panic attacks. I’d of course heard about them but never really knew the extent of them, or what made them happen or anything like that. That was until September last year. So let’s rewind a bit. September 2015; I was 22, I’d been working at the same cafe for around a year when I was told about a job going at a Starbucks pretty close to where I lived. This sounded pretty good to me. I’d worked at a Starbucks before while I was at university and really liked it. Since I’d worked with coffee since I was 16, I liked the idea of getting to know more about the different blends, the origins and even the different drinks as they seemed a bit more ‘exotic’ in comparison to the standard americano and latte. It just seemed more specialised, and of course my job title looked a bit more impressive too going from shop assistant to barista. So to go back into that and having something I was more specialised in, with the opportunity to move up in the business sounded amazing and perfect for the direction I wanted to go in.

So I went to the interview, got offered the job, and as soon as I knew it I’d had a trial shift and had left my old job before fully starting this new one. Which was great in theory, having about a week off for myself before getting into the new job. That was until I started getting ready for my first day. I’d got as far as putting on my uniform and then before I knew it I was sat on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out, unable to move. I honestly had no idea what was going on. Why my body was really doing this, or how to make it stop. After texting my sister out of fear, she came to the bathroom to talk to me and try to calm me down. I felt like a complete idiot…but I had no idea why really.

After talking to a friend of mine and ‘googling’ (a bad idea normally I know) I realised that what had happened was that I’d had a panic attack. But I still couldn’t understand what had triggered it off or anything. Anyway I called in work, told them I was ill and they told me when to be in next. To me that was that, I’d go in on the next shift and everything would be fine. I was wrong. It happened again and again. Every single time I tried to go to my job. To the point where my new manager stopped getting in touch with me. I was so angry with myself. I couldn’t believe I’d thrown a job away because of this stupid thing my body was doing.

After that I decided to go to the doctors. To see if there was anyway I could prevent this from happening again, for when I got my next job. The doctor basically said that these panic attacks could be brought on by anything for example a new job or stress. After that I started thinking about the job and wondering why that would have triggered it and why now? I’d changed jobs in the past and never seemed to have any problems. The only thing I could really remember is that even though it was a big team at Starbucks (like the cafe) barely anyone made me feel welcome by trying to make conversation or anything. Looking back now it seems subconsciously I’d built it up in my head as sort of a stress factor, as if no one was trying because they didn’t want me there. It sounds stupid…but that’s the only thing I could put it down to. I’d gone from an environment where everyone went out of their way to acknowledge you, to a place that in a way just felt cold.

Anyway I eventually went back to the cafe I previously worked, and I’m still there now, still enjoying the environment and the people in it…even If I can’t really progress in it, but plans change I guess. Thankful I didn’t have any panic attacks coming back into this job. But I still have them occasionally, for example when I met a guy for the first time…as you can imagine that went down a treat! Oh and I still don’t really know how to control them, I’m just learning to deal with them better I guess…

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My Letter…

Dear Someone,

Having to write a random letter reminds me of the time I had to write letters to my ‘friends’ on animal crossing…even though I knew they didn’t understand english normally. Being set to write a letter with no topic is pretty hard. I never really know what to say. I could update you on how life is going in Natalie World…but to be honest there’s not a lot going on. I’m still single which isn’t really a bad thing, as right now I’m not sure I’m really capable of giving someone else emotional attention (this leads me into thinking I may be becoming a heartless bitch). I still have a cafe job…which isn’t really where I thought I’d be at twenty-two. It’s comfortable and nice, but it’s not really mind-blowing. I still live at home, which again is nice because I like seeing them everyday but at the same time I miss living alone at times. My money situation sucks, I have things to save for, things to pay off, holidays I want to go on, a new car I’d like but nowhere near enough money for any of them. Trying to find another job sucks! Most places won’t take me due to no experience in the area, and I always feel like any jobs that do actually want me are a step in the wrong direction to where I want to be. And on the social side of things most nights I’d rather be in bed watching tv, than going out and getting drunk with friends…like a lot of people my age. I’m just stuck I guess, and maybe set in my ways a bit in other areas. Not very interesting really…anyway until next time friend?

xx

What I miss…

Like most university students I moved away from home. This was after I stayed at home and travelled for the first year, and then decided it wasn’t for me. But for the two years that I lived in Sheffield, I honestly loved it. I loved having my own space, with my own freedom to do whatever I wanted no matter what time it was. I mean don’t get me wrong, I did miss seeing my family everyday…but I had so much more independence. I can even say I enjoyed being able to do my own washing…how weird is that?

I even fell in love with Sheffield itself. It had so much to offer than my hometown. Better jobs, better atmosphere, better theatres, everything. In a way because I’ve returned home now, I yearn for this freedom I had never experienced before going to university. I’d love to move out again no matter where I moved to…but it’s a bit hard when you’re attempting to save for other things like travelling, not to mention having to fix a broken car. In some ways I feel like my life’s on hold a bit…but sacrifices must be made I guess.

What are you excited about?

Right now in all honesty I’m not really excited for anything…I could say travelling next year but right now, money wise, I don’t even really know if I’m going to be able to afford it. The only thing I can really guess at, is that I’m excited for the future in some way. This could be more of a nervous excitement though, because I don’t really know where I’ll end up, or what I’ll be doing. People sometimes ask “Where do you think you’ll be in 5 years time?” And I never know what to say. I don’t really know where I’ll be. My life’s a bit up in the air…The future always changes. Nothing’s ever really set in stone. So right now I’m just excited to see what’s round the corner…hopefully something good.

“I guess you could say not everything’s ‘plane’ sailing… ;)”

The struggle…

I’ve written about this before, but Depression is something I’ve struggled with in the past. It effects many people all over the world, and most of us keep it hidden due to the stigma that is attached to it. For me depression is a weird one because it comes back out of the blue with no real warning, and no definite way to send it away again. I think I’m always going to struggle with it in one way or another and that’s just something I’ve grown to accept. What helps though is having people around to help and talk to about it. I know for some people it’s hard to understand but it’s a topic that’s very confusing and unless you’ve experienced it or even seen it first hand…you can’t really compare. Like I said though its different for everyone, but if you know someone with depression the only thing you can do is be there for them…that’s all.

5 Places I want to visit!

This is not an easy list to make, as I would like to travel everywhere in world. However as this is a list for five so I shall generalise to some extent…

  1. Europe – It’s ‘right on my doorstep’ and built up of so much history and beauty that it would be a shame not to see.
  2. Majority of America – I think this would mainly be due to the food options, but there are also a lot of places I’ve researched that I would visit as soon as I landed including the 9/11 Memorial.
  3. South Africa – Mainly for the wildlife, obviously I’d be very careful and do loads of research before I even considered booking my flights due to the crime level but it would be an amazing experience.
  4. Thailand – the beaches, the beauty, the atmosphere…just everything!
  5. China – I mean it would just be rude not to!

In my life I’d like to see as many places as I can cram in. I’ve mentioned before in a post…the world is here for us, it’s stupid not to explore and discover it ourselves. There’s so much more to life then doing the same job everyday with barely any rewards when we can live life the way we should, by experiencing it! As Louis Cole says “Live the adventure. Boom”.

Moving Onwards and Upwards

For a few months now I’ve been waiting for something to happen at work…a promotion. But in life, we don’t always get what we think we are going to get. In a way I’m angry about that. Not because I lost out on the opportunity, but because it held me back from doing other things that would have made me happier. By now if I had left this job when I had the chance, I could have probably already saved up some money I needed to go travelling. Which of course is annoying. Never the less, eventually we always end up on the road we belong on…That road for me is travelling, and creating.

In a way I’m glad this happened, because after all everything is a learning experience. I have more skills now then what I did. I had more time to think things over in terms of where I want to go. I also had more time to realise that I have other options that I didn’t even know existed. So there are ups and downs to the situation I’ve found myself in.

Anyway to kickstart my ‘new lease of life’ as I’m calling it. I have decided I am opening up my own horizons; and the first step of this is by claiming I am a photographer. Just to say I am being truthful when doing so…I know I said claiming but that’s just because I know I’m nowhere near as professional as those who are actual photographers. I’ve set up a new instagram page soley for this purpose, and also a Facebook page so I will leave links if anyone’s interested. That’s all for now 🙂 I just needed a little rant and a boost.

P.S I used to be just a man…now I am a man with a plan!

P.P.S (Just for clarification I am in fact a woman) 🙂

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