Happy New Year…

2017 was a year for many things. For me personally, the things that stuck out the most were the new adventures I took, exploring new countries I’d never been to . The relationships that took new levels and turned into some of those that I value the most now. Acknowledging fears, like the fear of letting someone close to me again and it destroying me…again. Tackling issues like overcoming anxiety bit by bit and overall growing some lady balls. Relationships ending, saying goodbye to those who really didn’t mean anything deep down and in some cases just wanted to use you. And finally learning to just say fuck it sometimes and take a step back so things can sort themselves out.
Overall 2017 wasn’t a bad year for me, but I welcome the new year and the opportunities that will come with it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

A night at the cinema…

I don’t know wether it’s due to my heart being a gentle soul or the fact that I’m a girl and we have a lot of hormones…or it could be just down to the genes I’m made up from. But for me going to the cinema or the theatre is a rollercoaster…when it comes to emotions at least.

Depending on what film or performance you go to see, you can experience love, passion, anger, fear, amusement, and of course sadness…all within the space of a couple of hours! When you think about it, all of them emotions you have just experienced is a bit like the emotions you could feel over a two year relationship…which in my opinion is pretty impressive to say the least. The ability to manipulate your feelings, to apply it to the current situations of the main character. Not to mention you could do it all over again the following day or even the following week. Learning a new story everytime, through observing other’s lives (well, acted out lives). Experiencing all of that through emotions, basically without the actual impact of drama of it all.

It’s all pretty incredible…but of course if we only ever lived through films and performances, then we’d never really allow ourselves the chance to actually live. Which you know, is what life is really about. Living, experiencing, feeling. Let’s be honest though…It’s perfect if you need an escape for a hour or two.

My Biggest Fear ğŸ˜±

Overall I try not to think of my fears. Partly because I’m trying to just live my life and partly because I don’t want to have a random panic attack by over thinking. But if I was to choose one thing I really fear. I honestly think it would be the fear of not being able to have children.

There’s two reasons why I fear this. The first one being infertility. From what I know there are no real problems of infertility in my family. But you never know do you. I mean what if contraception can have a lasting effect to some degree. They say that once you come off contraception, your fertility state will go to what it is meant to be…(Notice how they don’t say, to what it was before you started contraception, as if it will go to whatever fate chooses it to be). So I mean that’s a bit of a worry. But I’ve always seen the whole process of being pregnant and having your own baby as an amazing experience, hard I know…but I’d hate the thought of not being able to conceive.

The second reason I worry about this is because of my lack of partner. When people lay out their life plan they normally want to find a partner, be with them for a few years, get married, have time to themselves for a few more years and then think about having a baby…then if you want more than one, leave a couple of years before trying for another. I’m 23 (not that old I know, but) whenever I hear people talking about the problems that can occur in pregnancy as the person gets older, the age of that person seems to get younger and younger. I always thought the age problems started was 40…now people are saying they can start at 30. I know everyone’s different and it’s just a case that the chance of problems increase…it can still scare the shiz out of you. Especially when your already 23.

I know this is probably just me being a woman and over thinking it, but it is serious stuff. Especially when you know at some point you do want kids. Ok time to stop thinking about it before I freak out!

Improvements…

There’s a lot of things I aim to improve on…and I could palm you off on a less personal one like my photography skills but I’m being honest and open this month. One of the things I’m focusing on improving right now is myself.  A blog I wrote this month was about three lessons I’d like to teach my children…but for me to teach anything to anyone else, I have to be a better/more together person myself.

The main improvements always seem to lead back to one thing – finding myself. They say you can’t be truly happy until your happy alone. So I’m trying that. I’m alone…but I’m still lost. I think the problem is that I’m too alone. I open myself up to new people in some ways, but I never fully submerge myself. In a way I think that would help me. In a previous blog I’ve also mentioned about how complete strangers can help you find the right path you belong on, after being pushed around by the wind first. I think that’s what I need to try. So this is the first step to submerging myself to change for the better, and making a few personal improvements….so here’s to submerging and hoping to not drown…

An Unlikely Teacher

In life we learn a lot of lessons. Some are easy, some are hard and some…well you just don’t see them coming, especially from certain people. One lesson I’ve learnt the hard way, is pretty simple. Expect the unexpected. Nowadays I seem to think of all possible outcomes for certain scenarios…and I don’t think I used to do it. Whether that’s down to growing up, I’m not sure. But it’s a lesson you have to learn sooner or later. Whether it’s in love, a job, a friendship or even just family life…it happens and you can’t always trust the people you want to. So expect the unexpected BUT don’t let the fear hold you back in any way…

What are you excited about?

Right now in all honesty I’m not really excited for anything…I could say travelling next year but right now, money wise, I don’t even really know if I’m going to be able to afford it. The only thing I can really guess at, is that I’m excited for the future in some way. This could be more of a nervous excitement though, because I don’t really know where I’ll end up, or what I’ll be doing. People sometimes ask “Where do you think you’ll be in 5 years time?” And I never know what to say. I don’t really know where I’ll be. My life’s a bit up in the air…The future always changes. Nothing’s ever really set in stone. So right now I’m just excited to see what’s round the corner…hopefully something good.

“I guess you could say not everything’s ‘plane’ sailing… ;)”

WARNING! New Driver Alert!

I’ve been driving just over a month now, and I’m finally realising that what people said was actually true. You don’t really gain driving experience until after you pass your test. Sure you can know how to drive correctly. Pushing all the right buttons, at the right times. Checking your mirrors for overtaking, or just for people constantly on your ass. But once you’re in a car all by yourself, with no one talking in your ear…then and only then you realise what driving is really like.

I’m going to be honest with you the first month after passing my test was pretty scary. The first hiccup was the car. It’s an old car, with a difficult biting point. One which took the whole first month to actual master to some degree and understand what to do and when to do it. This led to my first embarrassing moment of being stuck on a tiny hill with no way of getting up it (at least no way for a new driver in an old car). I ended up having to reverse back down it after letting three cars go around me. Not the nicest way to ease myself into driving alone.

The second hiccup was lanes on new roads. I tried to push myself as fast as possible as I was already behind a lot of my friends in the ‘art’ of knowing how to drive. So I went onto roads I’d never driven on before in my lessons to get to the closest shopping centre that was near my home. Ahh which leads us onto embarrassing moment number two. Being stuck at the front of a queue trying to change lanes at the last-minute isn’t great. And with the number of annoyed drivers around you, staring at you in a despising way it doesn’t seem to make you feel better either. Luckily no one knew me.

The third hiccup was motorways. Now this has to be the worst thing so far. I mean overall it is just a straight route. The only thing that worries me is that the faster you go, obviously the worse off you be in an accident. Which is why I do my best to do everything right when I’m on a motorway. Abide by the speed limit, keep the right distance from other cars, and take care while changing lanes. But when a massive lorry decides to move over in front of me in the slow lane, after a late indication and leaving around about a 5 inch gap, it makes it a bit harder. And this is my issue. I can do my best to do everything right on a motorway, but I can’t control other people’s actions…and let’s face it…there’s some right idiots out there!

Ahh on the upside, I am loving being able to drive. The freedom, the opportunity, the control. I can go anywhere, whenever I want. So I guess this is the start of my life as a roadtripper…lets see where I end up…

To die in a dream…

A few nights ago…I had a dream.

Now unlike majority of my dreams, this one had a historical background… It was set in Nazi Germany. Now, I love history but the bad thing about this, was that I was a Jew.

The dream began underground, in a similar setting to the London Underground except it was darker and unkept. I was surrounded by loads of other Jews, all of different ages showing a range of emotions. We began being led to what seemed to be two elevator shafts in which groups of Jews were being crammed into. Once we were in the lift we were then made to watch a propaganda movie to distract us, while the lift either moved upwards to a few more days of freedom or down to a dreaded gas chamber.

While waiting anxiously, the propaganda film came to an end and the lift doors began to open. Thankfully the lift had gone up to ‘freedom’, we all scuttled out like rats in a sewer, but the worst was not over. We followed the damp corridor down towards the exit, when from the distance I noticed that the next section, which was similar to airport security where the Nazi’s required a barcode which was imbedded into the skin of Jews.

I looked down at my arms, searching for a barcode. I couldn’t find one, I began to panic thinking that I would never escape back out into the real world without one. I  looked around to see if anyone could help me to get a barcode, failing that I began to run searching for an alternate exit…and that’s when I realised I was beginning to be chased by Nazi’s with guns trying to shoot me.

In that moment I then realised that I was in a dream…but I couldn’t wake myself up and bring myself out of it. I began to think to myself, what if i get shot right now? What if I die and can’t return back to reality. What if my body goes into some sort of coma due to my mind being killed in my imagination? Is that even possible?

All I know is that dreams are weird, and when they get weird my thought process gets weird… nevertheless I still enjoy dreaming…

Career? What Career?

Career: An occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person’s life and with opportunities for progress…

When you reach a certain age, the question that people will begin to ask you is…so what do you want to do with your life? It seems that people expect you to know this for definite by the time you leave college, and definitely by the end of university!

For me…this seems to have always been a problem. I’ve never been that bothered about a career. I obviously know I need to have one to earn money in order to survive. But I’ve just never been focused enough to find one I am really passionate about. Yeah I’m passionate about drama. Devising my own performance, even occasionally writing a script. But as many of us know that’s a difficult area to get into, with many different directions to go in. It just comes down to choosing.

I’ve worked in cafe’s since I was 16. I know a lot about coffee and working for Starbucks also expanded my knowledge on this. But every so often I think a change needs to be made. A change to try something new, experience something different. I think this may be a reason why I have never been that career focused. I always like a change. Which is all fair enough…until someone asks you what you want to do. Then you are just left with their confusion and shock of how you don’t know.

Some people seem to have it all figured out, others think its okay to find your way later on. But they don’t seem to understand the frustration and need for me to be able to figure it out now. I know I won’t be able to and that all I can do is try. But to be perfectly honest…it sucks.

August In London

I’ve been to London many times before. Many times this year even. But this time was different…for a number of reasons.

One I was going with someone I’d never been with before, two I was spending a lot of the time travelling around on my own on the tube, and three it was a bit more spontaneous. Now I’ll begin with the last point. I am a planner. I write stuff down, I circle places I’m going, I make a note of which tube lines and tube stations and even roughly how long it would take me to get there. I don’t know why…maybe its how I’m brought up. But I have to say wandering around London with nowhere to go and nothing really in mind to do was…nice. Watching all the busy people rush past with places to be and a time to be there for, it’s as if I was in slow motion as life was speeding past. In a way that for me was relaxing. I guess this is the first step of me trying to get out of planner mode…or at least be a little bit more flexible.

Now onto the travelling alone section. I’m used to travelling alone. I do it a lot at home, on the bus, on trains or even just walking. But London. To point out the obvious London is massive. Meaning it’s very VERY easy to get lost, and with me only being small it makes it even easier. I mean on one hand I was excited to go to London just to disappear into the crowds, lose myself a bit. But in reality getting lost in London isn’t something I planned on doing. The scary bit for me wasn’t the walking around. The fear was the underground. I’ve seen ‘The Creep’ and I am open to the possibilities of monsters that live down there (even though it is a bit far fetched) so travelling alone was worrying at times. On the serious side of things though I saw the London Bombings back in 2005 and being down there with no reception and no way of telling someone I love them in the last few minutes is of course terrifying to anyone who takes the time to think about it. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl. I mean we all must know by now majority of girls think way too into things. But still you have to be prepared for the worst, otherwise you will panic if it ever did happen.

To go back to the first point I made about why this time was different. Like I said I went with someone I’d never been with before. I think this was the most important part of what made the trip as good as it was.

“Most of us all walk around as if we’re sleepwalking. We really don’t experience the world fully, because we’re half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do.” – Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie.