Improvements…

There’s a lot of things I aim to improve on…and I could palm you off on a less personal one like my photography skills but I’m being honest and open this month. One of the things I’m focusing on improving right now is myself.  A blog I wrote this month was about three lessons I’d like to teach my children…but for me to teach anything to anyone else, I have to be a better/more together person myself.

The main improvements always seem to lead back to one thing – finding myself. They say you can’t be truly happy until your happy alone. So I’m trying that. I’m alone…but I’m still lost. I think the problem is that I’m too alone. I open myself up to new people in some ways, but I never fully submerge myself. In a way I think that would help me. In a previous blog I’ve also mentioned about how complete strangers can help you find the right path you belong on, after being pushed around by the wind first. I think that’s what I need to try. So this is the first step to submerging myself to change for the better, and making a few personal improvements….so here’s to submerging and hoping to not drown…

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To die in a dream…

A few nights ago…I had a dream.

Now unlike majority of my dreams, this one had a historical background… It was set in Nazi Germany. Now, I love history but the bad thing about this, was that I was a Jew.

The dream began underground, in a similar setting to the London Underground except it was darker and unkept. I was surrounded by loads of other Jews, all of different ages showing a range of emotions. We began being led to what seemed to be two elevator shafts in which groups of Jews were being crammed into. Once we were in the lift we were then made to watch a propaganda movie to distract us, while the lift either moved upwards to a few more days of freedom or down to a dreaded gas chamber.

While waiting anxiously, the propaganda film came to an end and the lift doors began to open. Thankfully the lift had gone up to ‘freedom’, we all scuttled out like rats in a sewer, but the worst was not over. We followed the damp corridor down towards the exit, when from the distance I noticed that the next section, which was similar to airport security where the Nazi’s required a barcode which was imbedded into the skin of Jews.

I looked down at my arms, searching for a barcode. I couldn’t find one, I began to panic thinking that I would never escape back out into the real world without one. I  looked around to see if anyone could help me to get a barcode, failing that I began to run searching for an alternate exit…and that’s when I realised I was beginning to be chased by Nazi’s with guns trying to shoot me.

In that moment I then realised that I was in a dream…but I couldn’t wake myself up and bring myself out of it. I began to think to myself, what if i get shot right now? What if I die and can’t return back to reality. What if my body goes into some sort of coma due to my mind being killed in my imagination? Is that even possible?

All I know is that dreams are weird, and when they get weird my thought process gets weird… nevertheless I still enjoy dreaming…

Hopes for love…

The 1997 film Titanic taught me a lot about love. Being a young age when it came out on ‘video’ means this was the first real influence I had about a different type of love. Much different from the love between family members. In fact to be specific it showed me two different types of love.

The first and most evident is the love between Jack and Rose. I call this the ‘Dreamers Love’, quite simply because those who dream of finding and keeping love mainly have this type in mind. The kind of love where you heart skips a beat whenever they enter the room, where they make you forget everyone and everything around you and where most of all you’ll do everything you can to be with and stay with that person. Throughout the film we see this, and through the scenes shared with Rose’s mother or Cal we can see a very strong contrast between the love she receives and the love she wants and deserves.

The second type of love you see in Titanic is a controlling kind of love. Where it appears only one person is in love, and therefore has a lot of anger towards the other. However I’m sure Cal’s actions towards Rose isn’t just because she doesn’t love him. As Cal has a lot of money (meaning lots of power), he believes he also has the ability to control everyone around him by buying them. Which is no kind of love I particularly desire, and in the end he realises that love doesn’t work like that. That eventually the person being forced into submission will always break free.

I think this film in particular influenced a lot of people of all ages and all over the world about their views on love. Not just because of the story line and the characters, but also due to the actors relationships. Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet clearly have a great bond and friendship, which allowed them to work together comfortably meaning the overall relationship between the characters Jack and Rose was very believable. In a way I think many couples would aspire to be like that, maybe more so from a females point of view.

The main thing I personally took from the film is how love can be, but not always is… maybe this is just me being overly hopeful, but I don’t think anyone should settle for any less than what Jack and Rose portrayed. You may not find love as soon as you want to, but don’t give up. I believe everyone can find something like this. Someone who can save you from the worst situations possible (maybe not literally like Jack but you get the idea). Keeping searching…

“Love each other or perish,” Morrie Said. “It’s good, no? And it’s so true. Without love, we are birds with broken wings.” – Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie.

August In London

I’ve been to London many times before. Many times this year even. But this time was different…for a number of reasons.

One I was going with someone I’d never been with before, two I was spending a lot of the time travelling around on my own on the tube, and three it was a bit more spontaneous. Now I’ll begin with the last point. I am a planner. I write stuff down, I circle places I’m going, I make a note of which tube lines and tube stations and even roughly how long it would take me to get there. I don’t know why…maybe its how I’m brought up. But I have to say wandering around London with nowhere to go and nothing really in mind to do was…nice. Watching all the busy people rush past with places to be and a time to be there for, it’s as if I was in slow motion as life was speeding past. In a way that for me was relaxing. I guess this is the first step of me trying to get out of planner mode…or at least be a little bit more flexible.

Now onto the travelling alone section. I’m used to travelling alone. I do it a lot at home, on the bus, on trains or even just walking. But London. To point out the obvious London is massive. Meaning it’s very VERY easy to get lost, and with me only being small it makes it even easier. I mean on one hand I was excited to go to London just to disappear into the crowds, lose myself a bit. But in reality getting lost in London isn’t something I planned on doing. The scary bit for me wasn’t the walking around. The fear was the underground. I’ve seen ‘The Creep’ and I am open to the possibilities of monsters that live down there (even though it is a bit far fetched) so travelling alone was worrying at times. On the serious side of things though I saw the London Bombings back in 2005 and being down there with no reception and no way of telling someone I love them in the last few minutes is of course terrifying to anyone who takes the time to think about it. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl. I mean we all must know by now majority of girls think way too into things. But still you have to be prepared for the worst, otherwise you will panic if it ever did happen.

To go back to the first point I made about why this time was different. Like I said I went with someone I’d never been with before. I think this was the most important part of what made the trip as good as it was.

“Most of us all walk around as if we’re sleepwalking. We really don’t experience the world fully, because we’re half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do.” – Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie.

Lost.

Honestly…right now I feel lost.

Lost with myself, lost with where I’m going in life, lost in general. And in my personal experience when people feel lost, they begin to search for someone who can make them feel safe, feel found in a sense. Even a sense of security. Now in truth in the past I’ve known people do this, and I’ve often thought about doing this myself due to how magical love appears to be. But I think a different approach would be more suited to me right now, and this is also something many people suggest. Find yourself. Be happy with yourself.

With this I don’t necessarily mean be alone until I feel found (if that’s even a thing), because friends and family are always important. I mainly just mean I am not going to jump into a relationship, because in a relationship you have to think of both people and right now I need to be a little bit selfish. Plus saying that if you can’t be selfish right now then when can you? Because as the years go by there becomes a pressure to get into a relationship and make plans with that person. Starting from where to go on holiday together, to getting married and having kids. And that all means being completely considerate and that’s just not for me right now.

My main focuses are really to just find out more things about myself, stuff that I’ve never discovered. New passions, new skills, even new desires. Maybe I will also lose some bad habits I’ve acquired through other people, which wouldn’t be a bad thing. Alongside all of this though I will still be living in the real world and will aim to get another job so I can get money together to go travelling to all the places I’ve dreamed of. So now is the time. Time to leap and see what happens. Wish me luck.

“No matter what you’re trying, even if you fail in the beginning and people say you’re no good, don’t listen to them; Just listen to your own heart.” – Mitch Albom

Finding your way back…

Not to get philosophical but sometimes in life you lose your way on the dusty path of life. No matter what happens to get you there, in the end you always have to attempt to pick yourself up before you get suffocated by the world. In the beginning it will always seem impossible, but you just have to keep trying. In my experience there are a few things to bare in mind while trying to find your way back…

1. Don’t do it alone – In my opinion this is the most important. The easiest thing in your mind will be to block everyone out, but the easiest option is rarely the best option. You will always have people around you who will care about you. No matter how much you try to push them away the most loyal friends and family will be there for you especially when times are hard. So just speak your mind. A problem shared, is normally a problem halved and talking really helps. If you aren’t comfortable talking to a person then try a pet. After all, animals are the best listeners.

2. Do things that make you happy – Now this step doesn’t work for everyone. In some cases when people lose their way, they lose their way with everything. People, hobbies, everything they ever knew. The only thing you can do is try. Try and gain back the love and happiness you felt by doing certain things. So whether its a sport you used to be involved in, or just taking a simple stroll. Attempt to ease yourself back into it a bit at a time and maybe this will contribute to finding your way back.

3. Try exploring new things – this may be an alternative to number two or it may be an add on. When something serious happens to make you lose your way, you may find it best to leave the old you behind and take an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Even branch out to try something you’ve always wanted to, but always had an excuse not to. You should try. Maybe not all at once but be as open minded as possible, as you never know what can happen and surprise you.

4. A good diet – I  know this seems unnecessary but as people say if you look after your body, it will look after you. It has been proven by a few studies that eating more healthily can instantly put you in a better mood due to a increase in serotonin levels. This suggests that if you eat better foods it may give you more motivation to get back out there, and into the world a day at a time.  This may not be true for you…but you’ll never know unless you try. So if you stopped eating, start again. Or if your just eating junk food, stop and go get some real food which will probably also work out cheaper too.

5.Exercise – Now this is probably the last thing on your mind out of them all, but it could also be one of the most important. Although exercise may seem boring and tiring, after a while you will begin to see the benefits of it. Also the exercise you do doesn’t have to be strenuous. It could just be a bit of yoga for as little at 15 minutes a day. Anything really that will be useful to you. This won’t only keep you busy, but it can motivate you to do more and also help you get you fitter as you go along which is always a benefit.

The final thing I would suggest is to find a space of your own. This doesn’t mean move out of your family home or wherever your living. This could be a space anywhere, whether its big or small (it could even be a cupboard under the stairs). The main reason for having your own space is just so you have somewhere to go if the world begins to get too much again. Preferable it would be somewhere with a good view to put things into perspective, so maybe not under the stairs after all. Overall just remember there are a lot of problems in the world and a lot of people trying to fight them, but you really don’t have to do it alone.

“No life is a waste, the only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we’re alone.” – Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet In Heaven.