What’s changed?

So it feels like we’ve only just started  2016, and we’re already into June! JUNE!! What’s going on?? I swear the days go faster as you get older (yes I’m only 22)…anyway this blog is basically a catch up on what’s new and what’s changed with me since we hit 1/1/16.

Okay so let’s get the boring stuff out of the way. Health wise…I’ve put on weight 👎🏼 I’m drinking more water which is good. But I’m also eating a lot more. I get bored! When I’m bored I eat. Or that could just be a excuse…I do love food. Also sadly I don’t want to ‘work out’, I have no need, no desire. But thankfully I am trying to embrace my more flabby current body, as in reality this is probably the best it’s going to look during my life…unless I start going to the gym of course.

Next on the agenda is Education. I mentioned in a different blog that I’d done a photography course with Shaw academy. I really enjoyed this and went on to do two other courses, which were good…but now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t see the point in doing anymore courses until I decide which direction I want to go in. I really need to make a choice about what I’m doing with my life, but right now I guess my minds on other things.

One thing I know I’m doing right is travelling. I’m trying to travel as much as I can this year while working alongside. When I’m here I just feel lost, as if I have no purpose. Everything just seems so mundane and boring. I seem to have twitchy feet as they say. I just need to get out and get moving as much as possible right now. It’s awkward in a sense…

The final thing to really cover in this is relationships I guess. I realised the other day that I’ve been single for just over a year now. In some ways it’s great, no one depending on me. Time to myself whenever I want etc etc. But at the same time I really need to get out there a bit. I feel like I’m becoming a social recluse which I hate! So I’ve started dating. Ahh it’s just confusing to be completely honest…but at least I’m trying. 😬

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Life means hope…

“There should be no boundaries to human endeavour. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there is life, there is hope.”

– Stephen Hawking

I think this quote is brilliant. Stephen Hawking is such an inspirational man for so many reasons, but for me personally this quote alone speaks volumes. We should always have hope. Hope for many of us, is what keeps us going in the darkest of times. We all go through rough patches, but as long as you have hope in something, even if it’s just one thing…you can get through it. Hope that you’ll find a new love, hope that you’ll eventually find a career that’s right for you, or even hope that you’ll find yourself after becoming lost in the world. It’s only when you lose hope in everything, that’s worrying…

We also have to remember that everyone is different. What’s right for one person, won’t necessarily be right for everyone. So we shouldn’t be disheartened by not being able to accomplish things in the same amount of time as our friends or peers. Everyone has their own path with their own timing. And if you ever get lost due to circumstance or even emotions than be brave enough to make a new path, others may even follow. Basically don’t lose hope, it will be there when no one else is. Have hope, and you will find your way to your success.

Improvements…

There’s a lot of things I aim to improve on…and I could palm you off on a less personal one like my photography skills but I’m being honest and open this month. One of the things I’m focusing on improving right now is myself.  A blog I wrote this month was about three lessons I’d like to teach my children…but for me to teach anything to anyone else, I have to be a better/more together person myself.

The main improvements always seem to lead back to one thing – finding myself. They say you can’t be truly happy until your happy alone. So I’m trying that. I’m alone…but I’m still lost. I think the problem is that I’m too alone. I open myself up to new people in some ways, but I never fully submerge myself. In a way I think that would help me. In a previous blog I’ve also mentioned about how complete strangers can help you find the right path you belong on, after being pushed around by the wind first. I think that’s what I need to try. So this is the first step to submerging myself to change for the better, and making a few personal improvements….so here’s to submerging and hoping to not drown…

Three lessons to teach my children…

There’s a lot of lessons I’d like to teach my children, but I think if I can teach them these three thing I will have succeeded in some way in regards to parenthood.

1. Never judge a book by its cover.

2. Never let anyone make you feel bad for being who you are.

3. If you ever feel lost in life, don’t worry there’s always people around you, who love you who can point you in the right direction.

(And being polite while having manners goes without saying.)

“Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are.”

What if…

Okay so I was hesitant to do this post because lately only one thing of ‘what if’ has been on my mind. And this ‘what if’ includes my ex.

Today would have marked one year that me and my ex had been going out. So It’s funny how this is the day for this particular topic. What’s also strange is that my Mac decided to remind me that it would have been one year today…not sure how that happened because I don’t remember setting a reminder. Oh and to top it off a guy who was the spitting image of my ex came into my place of work yesterday, strange the coincidence but whatever.

So what if? What if I hadn’t broken up with him due to me not feeling like he didn’t trust me? What if that was the one and only person to ever truly love everything about me and I kicked them out of my life? What If we had stayed together, then moved in together and even had a ‘happily ever after’. It’s a difficult one. Firstly because in his opinion he hadn’t done anything and therefore nothing had to be fixed. And secondly because I was lost. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and for me I had to figure that out before I could be happy in any way with anyone…to which I’m still quite unsure.

But it doesn’t stop you wondering what if? What if things had worked out differently and he still wanted me in his life in someway. There’s always questions left unanswered…that’s life.

So what if? That’s it. A question. Left unanswered.

To die in a dream…

A few nights ago…I had a dream.

Now unlike majority of my dreams, this one had a historical background… It was set in Nazi Germany. Now, I love history but the bad thing about this, was that I was a Jew.

The dream began underground, in a similar setting to the London Underground except it was darker and unkept. I was surrounded by loads of other Jews, all of different ages showing a range of emotions. We began being led to what seemed to be two elevator shafts in which groups of Jews were being crammed into. Once we were in the lift we were then made to watch a propaganda movie to distract us, while the lift either moved upwards to a few more days of freedom or down to a dreaded gas chamber.

While waiting anxiously, the propaganda film came to an end and the lift doors began to open. Thankfully the lift had gone up to ‘freedom’, we all scuttled out like rats in a sewer, but the worst was not over. We followed the damp corridor down towards the exit, when from the distance I noticed that the next section, which was similar to airport security where the Nazi’s required a barcode which was imbedded into the skin of Jews.

I looked down at my arms, searching for a barcode. I couldn’t find one, I began to panic thinking that I would never escape back out into the real world without one. I  looked around to see if anyone could help me to get a barcode, failing that I began to run searching for an alternate exit…and that’s when I realised I was beginning to be chased by Nazi’s with guns trying to shoot me.

In that moment I then realised that I was in a dream…but I couldn’t wake myself up and bring myself out of it. I began to think to myself, what if i get shot right now? What if I die and can’t return back to reality. What if my body goes into some sort of coma due to my mind being killed in my imagination? Is that even possible?

All I know is that dreams are weird, and when they get weird my thought process gets weird… nevertheless I still enjoy dreaming…

Future? What future?

Once upon a time I had a future in mind. One which the majority of girls and women have. Dreams of getting married, having babies, having my own family overall. However…this is something I personally no longer see. Now don’t get me wrong, yeah it’s still a nice idea in my mind…but it’s just a lost image at the minute.

I’m not sure why this is, it could be one of two things. When I fell in love for the first time (being young and stupid), that was in my mind because I thought love in general was the strongest emotion. Strong enough to last forever. That may have been true on my part but you never really know what the other person is thinking, and so it ended with the future plans lost and the realisation that the future I dreamt of was one-sided and also that I was very naïve to think like that.

Another reason this could be though is just due to the fact I have also realised I have other plans for my life. Like plans to explore the world. And with that in mind…along with my age, the idea of the ‘picture perfect future’ seems to get further and further away until it’s out of view. I mean for girls there’s always going to be a time limit for having healthy babies, and once you pass a certain age there are difficulties. So I guess in a way this is also a contributing factor.

I’m sure a lot of people go through life and experience the same difficulties (if I can even class it as that), as I am having. Don’t get me wrong I am completely happy with life right now even though some days don’t go to plan…but when someone asks me what my long-term plan/idea is or where I see myself in 5-10 years down the line. I honestly have no idea what the heck to say. Do I give the false answer of a lost future, or do I tell them honestly and in some way disappoint them. Whether this is a potential employer or even my grandma. It seems a lot of my posts tend to be about being lost in some ways, and I guess I am…but that’s what life’s about. Finding yourself and finding your way. At the moment I’m just going along with it the best I can, with a positive attitude hoping I’ll find my mindful future again. Happy Sunday!

“Time is not something you give back. The very next moment may be answer to your prayer. To deny that is to deny the most important part of the future.” – Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper.