Confusing times.

In yesterday’s blog I briefly mentioned panic attacks. I realised that I’ve never spoken about this before on my blog but since I wrote that I thought I might aswell address the ‘issue’ a bit. So here goes.

So through majority of my life I had never experience panic attacks. I’d of course heard about them but never really knew the extent of them, or what made them happen or anything like that. That was until September last year. So let’s rewind a bit. September 2015; I was 22, I’d been working at the same cafe for around a year when I was told about a job going at a Starbucks pretty close to where I lived. This sounded pretty good to me. I’d worked at a Starbucks before while I was at university and really liked it. Since I’d worked with coffee since I was 16, I liked the idea of getting to know more about the different blends, the origins and even the different drinks as they seemed a bit more ‘exotic’ in comparison to the standard americano and latte. It just seemed more specialised, and of course my job title looked a bit more impressive too going from shop assistant to barista. So to go back into that and having something I was more specialised in, with the opportunity to move up in the business sounded amazing and perfect for the direction I wanted to go in.

So I went to the interview, got offered the job, and as soon as I knew it I’d had a trial shift and had left my old job before fully starting this new one. Which was great in theory, having about a week off for myself before getting into the new job. That was until I started getting ready for my first day. I’d got as far as putting on my uniform and then before I knew it I was sat on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out, unable to move. I honestly had no idea what was going on. Why my body was really doing this, or how to make it stop. After texting my sister out of fear, she came to the bathroom to talk to me and try to calm me down. I felt like a complete idiot…but I had no idea why really.

After talking to a friend of mine and ‘googling’ (a bad idea normally I know) I realised that what had happened was that I’d had a panic attack. But I still couldn’t understand what had triggered it off or anything. Anyway I called in work, told them I was ill and they told me when to be in next. To me that was that, I’d go in on the next shift and everything would be fine. I was wrong. It happened again and again. Every single time I tried to go to my job. To the point where my new manager stopped getting in touch with me. I was so angry with myself. I couldn’t believe I’d thrown a job away because of this stupid thing my body was doing.

After that I decided to go to the doctors. To see if there was anyway I could prevent this from happening again, for when I got my next job. The doctor basically said that these panic attacks could be brought on by anything for example a new job or stress. After that I started thinking about the job and wondering why that would have triggered it and why now? I’d changed jobs in the past and never seemed to have any problems. The only thing I could really remember is that even though it was a big team at Starbucks (like the cafe) barely anyone made me feel welcome by trying to make conversation or anything. Looking back now it seems subconsciously I’d built it up in my head as sort of a stress factor, as if no one was trying because they didn’t want me there. It sounds stupid…but that’s the only thing I could put it down to. I’d gone from an environment where everyone went out of their way to acknowledge you, to a place that in a way just felt cold.

Anyway I eventually went back to the cafe I previously worked, and I’m still there now, still enjoying the environment and the people in it…even If I can’t really progress in it, but plans change I guess. Thankful I didn’t have any panic attacks coming back into this job. But I still have them occasionally, for example when I met a guy for the first time…as you can imagine that went down a treat! Oh and I still don’t really know how to control them, I’m just learning to deal with them better I guess…

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A reason why I love films…

One thing that becomes more and more clearer over the many years of watching films, is that films can unmask you. I’m not talking about the world knowing the truth about my life as batman… I’m talking more about emotions.

In my life so far I’d like to think I’ve covered majority, if not all of the girly RomComs out there. And let’s face it a RomCom doesn’t seem complete with a tear jerking moment in it, that reduces you to a blubbering mess in a matter of seconds. And that’s exactly the moment I’m talking about.

In a way because I love films so much I’d like to think there’s a lot of psychology behind the whole process, from the film you choose, to the ‘moment of impact’. Your emotions can make you do things subconsciously before you even realise what’s happening. So normally if i choose a lovey dovey film it’s either because I want to have the faith ‘the one’ is out there and is coming for me…or it’s because I’m having mental problems with people in my life…and by mental problems I normally mean me overthinking all of the wrong things.

But in a way that’s the beauty of these films. It can take your mind off the rest of the world, but at the same time also make you realise one of two things…either your a complete mess right now and you need to get your shit together. Or it can make everything seem so much clearer. Like you’ve just run into a brick wall with all the answers on.

Either way I have to admit I do enjoy both sides of it, sometimes everyone needs a little four hour cry to wake themselves up to push in the right direction…don’t they?

A Desperate Heart…

“A desperate heart will seduce the mind” – Mitch Albom

I know I’m going back to Mitch Albom once again, but I honestly love his work. I think he is so smart, and speaks so much truth. For me Mitch Albom is my Morrie Schwartz.

When reading ‘The Time Keeper’ this quote in particular hit me the hardest. I haven’t always been the best version of myself, neither have people around me. But in times of need we lead ourselves to believe we deserve the love we get. When in reality that love could be fake or even doing more harm than good. I know all advice in life starts with the saying ‘follow your heart’ but to be honest your heart isn’t always right. Especially when its fragile or even being manipulated.

In the start of a relationship sometimes you can see it as an escape from bad stuff in other areas of your life…but at some point it can change. Maybe to the extent of the relationship having the opposite effect, and can even do more emotional damage rather than be emotional support. And this can of course be due to a number of reasons. I mean no situation is exactly the same. This ties into a different quote… “We accept the love that we think we deserve.” 

For some reason at some point in life, our minds may tell ourselves that we aren’t good enough. Whether it’s a physical thing or a mental thing. It can happen, and it may not even give you any warning (which of course sucks). You might just not have any self-confidence in yourself, leading you to choose to stay in that situation because of fear. I know you may think choice doesn’t come into it when it’s up against a fear. Fear you won’t find better, fear you aren’t good enough for anyone or anything but you are. If you spoke to friends or family they would tell you exactly that. You are good enough, you are better, and you should never, ever allow anyone to make you feel like your not.

The main point of this post is you have to realise. That’s the first step. Realise you’re in a bad situation and be brave enough to get yourself out of it and get back on the road to recovery. It could be a case that it isn’t even that bad of a situation, and there could be a solution to make the situation better… but If you think you can relate to this post in any way, listen to me when I say this you deserve better. So don’t let your desperate heart seduce your mind, it might be hard at first but you aren’t alone at all. There will be a whole support system you just haven’t uncovered yet.

That’s just my take on the quote anyway, everyone’s view will be different…maybe I thought too much into it *blushes*. Ohh well 🙂

Workings of the mind…

Sometimes I have conversations with myself.

I don’t mean out loud…well sometimes. But I have loads of conversations with myself internally. Some of these will be completely random, and I end up with my thinking that the other people in the room can read my mind. Other conversations will occur when I feel I’ve said or done the wrong thing in a situation. The other person involved will have moved on, not thinking anything of what happened. Whereas I on the other hand can be having an internal argument about it, making up all the other persons responses. In a way I suppose this can be seen as a good trait to have, the ability to write a script if I ever wanted to try my hand at that again. But if anyone ever could read my mind, I think their thoughts on me would be very different, and may even lead me into a mental hospital… Hmm let’s just keep this between us? Yeah?

“The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it.” – Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie.

Judging Others

Wherever we are in the world, whether it’s out and about or just sat at home watching the television we judge others. The main question I’m going to give my opinion on is…why? Why do many of us judge, when we know nothing about them and probably won’t even see them again? I think the main reason is simply…because we don’t understand.

Yesterday I was on the bus, and in front of me was a woman in her 50’s. She was quite good looking, but overall an everyday person. Now I’m not especially a ‘nosey’ person, but when someone continuously repeats a routine none stop the whole journey you tend to take notice. The routine wasn’t exactly a unusual thing to do for a woman. Stroking her hair to one side, flicking it back then shuddering. But like I said after repeating it over and over again for at least 30 minutes, you notice it and begin to think it’s odd…which is the start of you judging them. Now I know majority of people will automatically think judging others is rude or even cruel…but doesn’t that in itself suggest they are also being judgmental by assuming?

The way I see it is overall there are two different types of judgmental people. On one hand you have the ‘judge a book by it’s cover’ people. It’s simple, it’s quick, it’s easy and it may even make you feel better about yourself in a way. But on the other hand you have the people that think a bit further into it. The people that consider the fact that they don’t know anything about this persons background, their life or even their mental or physical state. Now you may believe this is thinking a bit too far into it, but this also gives this person the option to widen their own knowledge and even give them the curiosity they need to look into what may have been wrong or what made the person the way they were. That’s the way I prefer to look at it anyway, hopefully other people do…but maybe that’s just me seeing the world through rose tinted glasses.

“In this moment, it is not wise to judge with your eyes” – Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper.